Please read carefully.
Who can really understand the pressure that i am curently facing? Who can really see the other side of me suffering with struggling emotions? i wanted to juz get lost from everybody again, for once and for more… i juz don’t like this situation… and i feel like getting away.
who can i talk to…? who can i talk to… right now? I switched off my mobile. No one can reach me, and no one i can reach. If i on it back, ppl will call me and ask me a lot of q’s. I ADmit that i am not so-ready yet to leave up the burden. i was ready, but it was at the wrong time. add on to the RIDICULOUS BERSERK of a so-important lady, it makes matters worst. I poorly managed the problem… so BADLY.
WHO, ANYWAYS.. do she think she is? i might be too rude and harsh and ir-respectful to say out something like this. But knowing the fact that she didn’t raise me up, yet after all she have done to me, i can still forgive her and go back to her… PLUS the problem i am currently facing, is it faithed to happened this way? It’s juz co-incidence that i was at her place when this thing happened, and i have no one to go to but stay at herS. she DID a good job in persuading me, but i knew at heart WHAT kind of a women she really is. i have always got heart sick with her. juz that because of filial, i still go see her. but, she DEMANDS too much instead. and acted too much. SHE SHOULDN’T HAVE.
i can understand her worries of the choice i have made. she might be really sincere in helping me out. and hope i’d make a better choice. what i don’t understand is, why is she always making things difficult for me? can’t she talk properly? u know i got an important test tomorrow, and i was juz about to start revising when she called, questioning me about my final choice, and went berserk. i SERIOUSLY think she was SICK.
can’t she talk properly? i have told her to keep things to herself, and not to go ASTRO my things to everybody, WHICH i actually knew, in fact, that she WILL ASTRO to everybody. Reason? Juz to create some conversation among she and other people, and show how much she actually cares about me? BULL SHIT. i knew things won’t be easy when i received a call from someone. and dont think i am so seetupid that i cant figure out he was actually trying to DIG somehting from me.
after that, she called me and act like nothing… “have u had ur dinner… how are u today?” and so forth. common. juz go straight to the point. no need to dilly dally here and here. i asked straight what have she told to other people. then she acted overboardly screamng her hearts out yelling at me for no reason. well, there’s a reason. i HOPE she really cares for me. sadly, by pros or by cons, her actions made me THINK. Is she really worried about me, or she is juz using me to create a family problem, and in the end the lights will all shine on her. I HATE HER. WHY? if she talk properly, i’d explain things to her. but why she wanted to acted in such a huge reaction?
i wonder, if the guy i brought back was a rich GENEROUS man, would she reacted in such a way? it just happened that the guy was juz an ordinary guy, worst still with BAD attitude and bad Temper, i finally think i cannot move on the love bridge with him anymore. YES, i really wanted to leave him, but a FINAL warning is being issued. The neutral guy whom actually touches me, told me to think and use the heart to feel it rather than juz do things blindly.
my guy has got a lot of negative side in him. his temper, his attitude. his ignorance, his arrogance… it really makes me mad. his behavior, his non-sensitiveness… all gets me mad at him. a lot of problem since we’ve been together. but i have always make the package looks pretty. now no more. i can’t stand anymore. i need to say something.
Alot of people is asking me, judging on my decision.
“Really never espect u to be with that kind of guy!”. “Why would u want him?”. “He doesn’t stands out right with u…”. “He does not suits you…”. Whatever kind of judgement u can think of. i don’t care what other people say, so long i choose him. and i need to take responsibility for my own choice. until one day, i clearly see what type of guy is he, then i will make a decision. to really see a person, needs a long time. i don’t want to regret of loosing him, cos my mind still thinks we can go on, and my HEART feels i will regret if i juz end this relationship like this although he did something very wrong. I can forgive him for now, cos i still see the picture from both sides. we both got wrong. i can’t juz blame him like that. it’s so not fair for him, and i feel so sorry to him for making his live hard too. whatever the story, im not gonna reveal it, at least not here.
yet, she can’t scold me for being stubborn and not listening to her advice. screaming at me not to go back to her if i got any problems next time. is that the actions of a mother? those of you out there…….. pls answer me. everyone close to me knows about me childhood. it was a sad story. she didn’t raise me up, so i do not know the feeling of being looked after and raised up by own’s mom. after so long, why she treated me in such tone? shouldn’t she just accept me and listen, no judging me. and then open a comfort hand for me whenever im in need. it’s all the opposite. i suddenly feels all those kind of pathetic feelings i have for myself… for so long i have forgot about this feeling and go back to her. in the end, she is still the same.
she juz care about her sons. because they don’t CARE about her, then she relies on me. but i can be sure, NO MORE. the way she yelled at me juz now really scares me. the incident which i have always try to repressed suddenly came back. when i was 11 years old… at her house…. she treated me like a maid…. and DID use the broom to hit me… yes. a broom. a dirty broom. in front of her sons… no body came to aid me…. i was in geat pain… it was the same YELLing right to my ear drums……
“You are a servant! You are my slave now!! Don’t think you are my daughter! I don’t treat u as my daughter!! You are no more my daughter!!! You are my maid now!!”
Sounds dramatic? Non-realistic? But it DOES happened to me.
What have i done to redeem such treat? i was only 11 years old.. all the time being pampered like a princess when my dad’s still around. even so… i have always being bullied… always being hitted. child abuse is nothing new to me. im very sensitive to this topic. i thought my mom was a savior… but that incident… why? i juz know i was too tired of doing all the chores there and that day, i didnt clean properly the floor….. then i was being hitted by the broom…. i don’t remember how many times the broom hits me, i juz know im all bruised up the next morning. and those words thrown to me like i don’t worth a cent. if u say it was done by a stepmom, i can tolerate….. how difficult it was… i can forgive. but your own mother? THIS explains why i can still call my stepmomS MOMMY, although they didn’t really treated me good either. Especially the 1st stepmom had SERIOUSLY abused me and my brother. i still call them mommy, as a revenge for my own MOTHER.
Say me bad. Say me Cruel. Say me Evil. Whatever, i know i am poor in long-term relationships. It has always been like this. I have no point also, but to accept my live the way it is. i can change myself for the better, but i can never change another person on how they want to treat other people. Therefore, i don’t give a damn to people who don’t appreciates my presence, regardless of who they are.
Leave a Reply